I took my last dose of poison on the morning of August 13th, 2015. I had been on Xanax, .25mg, twice a day for about 6 months. I had taken it as needed for about two years before that. I had mainly used it to help me sleep on stressful nights. I wish I had never taken it at all.
My withdrawal has been a difficult one for me. I spent the better part of the first month off of the drug stuck in bed. I was sick like I have never been before. Not even during my worst infections that I have had have I been as sick as I have been since discontinuing Xanax. Even at two months off of the drug that was legally prescribed to me, I suffer withdrawal symptoms. Just late last week I had a rough night where my heart was racing, my body hurt, and I was sweating profusely. I barely slept. Even today I feel the effects of withdrawal.
In the first days, I suffered from everything under the sun. The worst withdrawal problems were the insomnia with adrenaline rushes. It would make my heart race and I felt like I was dying of heart failure. I sweat terribly and had really terrible bouts of depression and anxiety. I was a mess. I take that back. Even a mess looked good compared to what I was. I was beyond a mess. Slowly, I have transitioned to a phase they call “windows and waves”. This is where I feel fairly normal – “windows” – and then go back into benzo hell – “waves”. These windows and waves come and go at whim. It’s like being locked up by a serial rapist and he can come and go and rape me at whim. I have no control over when I am attacked. I do not know when my predicament will end. I have been told, and have faith, that it will end someday. I pray for that day.
Some of the early symptoms have quieted down to the point that I can tolerate them, or they visit so infrequently that I don’t think of them often. No longer do my eyes roll uncontrollably in my head. I can watch television again without it making sick, most of the time. When I’m in a bad wave it still bugs me. Light doesn’t bother me as bad, but there are days where it does. Bright sun in the evening still pesters me. My computer monitors are still turned down to dim. The incessant vertigo has left me for the most part. Sometimes I still get it when objects move when I don’t expect them, or when riding in the van. In the early days, it was there 24/7. The heart attack sensations rarely happen anymore. Late last week my chest hurt in that bad window, but it didn’t last as long or as badly as before. I’m hoping it never returns like it did previously. The insomnia is much better for the most part. I still have some issues with it, but I always have. Part of it is that I sit at these computers or watch television late in the evening. I should learn to shut these things off a 8 o’clock and find something to do that doesn’t involve artificial light.
I’m not having the deep depression or the really bad anxiety attacks anymore. Knock on wood! I’m not getting as many muscle pains or cramps as I had in the early days. I still get some, but not to the extreme level they were at. My brain isn’t quite as foggy. I’m not having trouble finding words like I did in the early weeks. I’m able to write much better. I also noticed in the early days, if I tried to write something like this, I would start to feel the benzo dogs come attack me. Just trying to slice a tomato sent my body into attack mode. I can now slice a tomato without feeling like hell! I’m still not to 100%, but I am better.
Like I said, I am still sensitive to bright light. I wouldn’t dare want to be around a strobe light. If I get tired, my vision sort of washes out. I find that closing my eyes and leaving them closed for awhile helps. I am sensitive to sound. I now sleep with ear plugs in. KinDee assures me she’ll wake me up if the smoke alarm were to go off. When the kids fight and quarrel, it makes me feel icky, but not as bad as it did in the early weeks. I’m still having digestive issues. My stomach is all messed up and I have a constant pressure behind my sternum. I also get short of breath easily, and I don’t like that too well. I get a bad ringing in my ears. Some days it’s better than others, but when the benzo dogs drag me into another wave, it’s generally pretty loud. I get really strange headaches. They are intense pain that makes me feel sick and feel like a stabbing in my head. Ibuprofen nor Tylenol touches it. Neither does closing my eyes. It’s something I am forced to endure. I still get muscle pain and aches, just not as bad as I did weeks ago. My stomach really is messed up. I feel nauseous a lot. My intestines aren’t right either and I’m eating yogurt and taking it easy on them. The emergency room doctor that I saw weeks ago told me that our guts are full of serotonin and benzo receptors and that it was normal to have a sick stomach. Ugh! It’s one of my worst symptoms as I write this. I too hope this will pass.
I’m sure I’m missing out on many of the things that are bothering me right now. Sufficed to say, I’m far from being 100%, but I’ve come quite a ways since I started my journey. I remember that back in the first week or two of my journey, I didn’t feel hunger, tiredness, the urge to urinate, or do other bodily functions, or even thirst. I felt like a zombie. I had to force myself to drink and eat. I took a cup and said to myself that I needed to drink that amount for the day. My urine was really dark there for awhile. I actually lost 80 pounds! I know it doesn’t look like it, but that’s what the scale has told me. I’ve been a sick dog.
I know a lot of you have prayed for me these past few months and I want to thank you for it. I want to ask for your continued prayers as I’m by no means out of the woods yet. From everything that I’ve read, I’m looking at a journey that is two months at best, and in many cases, lasts up to two years, or longer. As I’ve pointed out, tomorrow marks two months. I’ve probably got up to 22 more months ahead of me, but hopefully, with God’s Grace, and your prayers, less. Thank you again for your support.
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