Every time I think I want to write about something, I find it hard to do. I’m half way through my 39th year on this planet and I should be in the prime of my life, but I’m not. I’m in poor health and I struggle to make it through most days. I don’t feel well, have trouble concentrating, and generally don’t feel that spark of life much more.
Here it is, the 23rd of July. I should be out driving around tonight, with my windows open, smelling the corn fields and the freshly cut hay. It’s summertime and I should be going to the lake, county fairs, and possibly taking a small vacation. Fifteen years ago I took a trip to Florida and came back around the 22nd of July. No such luck this year. In fact, it has been years since that was even a possibility.
When I was a kid, I’d be in the final weeks of detasseling corn at this point. My pockets would be flush with newly earned money. I’d be ready to buy new clothes for school, and some new video games, or music albums. Again, not so this year. I just find no joy in life anymore. I have my wife and kids, but all they want to do is set around and watch television. They don’t seem to take much enjoyment in life either. It feels like I’m a drug addict surrounded by other drug addicts. The problem is, my health is such that I can’t escape from my situation at this point.
I was just thinking here the past day or two that I can remember 25 years ago fairly easy at this point in my life. Twenty-five years ago, almost everyone I knew was in good health. It wasn’t uncommon at all to go and visit friends and family. I was in good health. This summer heat didn’t bother me at all. I can barely breathe in it now. I used to enjoy sitting outside under a shade tree back then. Now, all I do is sneeze and sweat outside. Is this just part of growing older?
I know several people my age who are in poor health. Obviously none as bad off as I am, but some of them aren’t too far off. What is it with people today? They talk about the growing obesity problem in this country, but it’s more than that. Mentally, people aren’t the same as they were 25 years ago. I really don’t know that many people who are happy in life right now. That seems to translate into poorer physical health too, it seems.
Well, enough bitching. I’m not even sure why I am writing a blog post like this other than that fact that I’m sitting here bored, listening to my daughter crank the Powerpuff Girls in the other room, while I watch the grass grow taller outside my window, from my air-conditioned house. Sometimes the answer isn’t as simple as wanting to change. Go tell a cancer patient to heal themselves. Sometimes change isn’t possible. Sometimes we have to play the cards we’ve dealt. Granted, some of us have possibly made poor moves in this game called life, but that doesn’t change the fact that you still have to play with the cards you’re left with. I’ve got nothing in my hand and it seems it’s time to fold soon. Hopefully my kids have better luck than me.
1 comment:
Ouch. I can relate. I had some hard times that led to a growing disillusionment with life in general. One day, I just got gave up looking on the bright side and let pessimism take over completely. You know, put the pedal to the metal and blow all the gunk out of the engine. You're right, you've got to play the hand that you're dealt and sometimes that hand is a loser.
I also spent part of my youth driving around in the country at night and going to the county fair, so I understand your nostalgia. I hope your health improves or at least stabilizes and it cools off enough you can at least take your family out for ice cream.
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